For Richer for Poorer

Hmmm...considering that getting divorced cost me tens of thousands of dollars (in fact, it is STILL costing me to repay a loan against my retirement account for the money I had to give away thanks to community property laws and my own stupidity), I should probably stay away from making this post about marriage vows.

Like most Americans, I have never known what it is like to be truly "poor," and for that I am grateful and appreciative. I know what I have. However, I did get married young, before I finished college, and my then-husband was working dead end jobs in retail, just above minimum wage. I took a "Government Job" after graduating, and my starting salary was $21,000 per year. That was in 1991. We lived paycheck to paycheck because we had student loans, credit card bills, and a car payment. As soon as we would start to get ahead, my then-husband, the ex, would "quit" his job over some minor transgression, and spend a month or two out of work, before finding something new. I remember going to the grocery store, calculator in hand, keeping a sub total of every dollar spent to make sure I didn't exceed what was left in our bank account. I used coupons religiously. But, I didn't mind because there was always enough for the essentials, and my salary increased every year between Cost of Living adjustments, promotions, Performance Awards, etc.

Two children came into the picture, and my then-husband took care of them during the days while I worked. My job was now a career, and since I had the most earning potential, it made sense for me to pack up my breast pump and march off to work each day while he stayed home with the babies. (Minimum wage employment wouldn't cover the cost of full-time childcare for two kids anyway.) Even though my salary had more than doubled by this time, we still lived paycheck-to-paycheck, but the essentials were covered.

"The essentials," though, were far greater than those we had initially. As your income increases, so do your expenses because the more you make, the more you spend. When we were first married, rent for our 1-bedroom apartment was only $360 a month. Now we had a $1,200 mortgage payment and utility bills that exceeded $200 a month, plus the cost of diapers and baby food.

My ex had gone back to work when the kids were in pre-school, but then was laid off. He spent nearly two years out of work, not even attempting to look for a job. The marriage was strained. He resented my job, I resented him for not doing anything about his own situation. For richer for poorer. But in what context?

The divorce put us into a financial tailspin, but I had to get out when I did for reasons of personal safety. It took 4 years for me to "recover" financially from divorce. I had to let the house go because I couldn't pay both alimony and child support and sustain the mortgage. We both returned to "renter" status in smaller spaces. Payments on the loan against my retirement will still cost me $700 a month for another 3 years, so a big chunk of my earnings is not accessible to me. I have a bigger house now (with an even larger mortgage payment), but I also have a much bigger paycheck. My kids are happy and safe and well-adjusted. My ex was able to finish school and get a teaching job and buy a small house of his own, taking advantage of home builders in financial crisis that were willing to do anything to unload new construction. We are both in "better places" emotionally and financially.

I still feel like I live paycheck-to-paycheck, and wish I had that additional $700/month to spend on vacations and furniture, a new computer, college savings plans for my kids. But, I also know I am fortunate to have a secure job and a good salary, and I know that I have it so much better than so many.

I've looked over my bank statements for the last several months and noticed there is a lot of "waste" in my expenditures--eating out at restaurants when I'm too tired or uninspired to cook. Mid-week trips to the grocery store to buy snacks and convenience foods. Impulse purchases to take advantage of "unbeatable" sale prices on clothes I didn't really need. These are all things I was not able to do years and years ago.

I have much to be grateful for, so I am making a conscious effort this year to go back to my old grocery shopping patterns: planning meals in advance, sticking to my list, and shopping with coupons and a calculator in hand. The money I save on groceries and non-essentials this year (I'm estimating it to be about $150 a month, if I'm diligent), I want to set aside for others--donations to local food banks, charitable giving to organizations that assist victims of domestic violence or disabled veterans returning from the War, and my church that provides food, clothing, and educational materials to an impoverished community in Mexico that cares for orphaned/abandoned children (most of them girls).

Sure, I could go shoe-shopping with that money, but I feel guilty doing so, under the circumstances. I will still buy shoes and clothes for me and my kids--my contribution to "stimulating the economy"--but I will buy at the same level I have in the past. I am finally at a place in my life where there is money between paychecks, and I can afford to (and should) give some of it away.

As for a Family Vacation this year? We're going camping. I spent a good $500 on camping equipment last year, so now we're going to go out and get our money's worth out of all of that gear!

Scandalous

Hmmmm...this is a tough one for me to write about. I don't think of myself as a "scandalous" person (in the words of Eliza Doolittle, "I'm a good girl, I am!"). Everyone I know has stories to tell about the wacky, crazy things they did in college. I have none of those stories. I was always conscientious and cautious--a "rule-follower." I have never been a risk-taker, but in the past 6 years, I must admit I did 4 scandalous things. No, I will not tell you what those 4 things were. There is no one person in my life who knows about all of those 4 things. My family and closest friends may know about 1 or 2 of them, but nobody knows about all of them. I am good at keeping secrets and hiding certain details.

There is one person who knows about 3 of the 4, and that person, surprisingly (or maybe not) is my ex-husband. It is a bit disconcerting to realize that the one person who knows the most about me is the man I chose to divorce. I wonder sometimes if my desire to leave the marriage was borne out of my desire to leave my mistakes behind and start anew--become the person I wanted to be that I couldn't be if I stayed with him because he possessed too much knowledge of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I couldn't move forward when he held so much "ammunition" that he could use against me.

I break free, and I find myself a different person--a woman with secrets and things to hide, and hide them I do. It's nobody else's business, after all, what mistakes I have made in the past. What matters is the outcome--the lessons I have learned, the consequences I have faced.

While my "scandalous" choices are choices I am not proud of, I can honestly say that I don't really regret them. I suffered, other people suffered, but we all emerged from the ashes. I endured heartbreak, fear, guilt, and shame (largely self-inflicted), but I perservered, and I ultimately landed on my feet. Those "scandalous" choices also set certain things into motion that needed to happen. I learned some very valuable lessons. I did more damage to myself than I did to others. Those choices cost me more than they cost anyone else. I have served my sentence, done my pennance. So, I do not dwell on those scandalous things much, and I do not feel compelled to share them with anyone because that will not serve any useful purpose.

But, I can say with conviction that I hope the remainder of my life will be "scandal-free."

Letting It Go...

Well, I had my long-awaited Court Hearing last week, and although we were only allotted 15 minutes before the Judge, we were there for 2 hours. Much to my surprise, a lot was accomplished. At first, I thought it was going to drag on for another 4 months. Because neither one of us would "budge" on the money issues, we were going to have to go to an evidentiary hearing, where my ex would proceed to try and show that I was delinquent with child support and alimony payments, and my attorney would proceed to prove that I wasn't. I was not happy about this, and not because I didn't think I could "win," but because I knew it meant another $3,000 to $5,000 in attorney fees and for what? The best I could possibly hope for was child support in arrears back to when this whole mess started and a motion was filed to modify it, which would be July 2006. My ex is grossly "underemployed" working as an "education aide" in the public schools making a whopping $12,900 a year. Yep. 43 years old, and that's the best he can do. Keep in mind that he left a job that paid over $35,000 to "go back to school." He still doesn't have his degree, but says he expects to receive a Bachelor's in University Studies (aka "Underwater Basket Weaving") in February once his "correspondence courses" come in. In order to become a teacher (his ultimate goal), he still has to complete an alternative licensure program and pass the State Teacher's Exam--an Exam I don't think he can pass. So, $12,900 is probably the best he will do. Even if the Judge imputed income (which wasn't likely since he was a "full-time student" from July 2006 forward), I'd have to spend thousands of dollars in attorney fees to obtain a judgment of--at best--$7,000 and potentially much less (like $2,000 which wouldn't even cover my attorney fees). Irregardless of the amount, my hopes of collecting on it would be slim to none. The court would most likely allow him to pay the "arrearages" in small monthly payments of no more than about $50. Whoop de freaking doo.

So, my ex asks if he can speak to me privately--without attorneys and without the wife present. He agrees not to pursue any more claims that I was delinquent and sign a child support worksheet figuring child support based on his paltry $12,900/year. In exchange, I have to agree not to pursue arrearages in child support for 2006 and 2007. He also has to agree to amend his 2006 income tax return, where he under-reported his alimony income in a lame attempt to get me audited by the IRS (it didn't work).

While this is a shitty deal for me, it would at least put an end to my attorney fees and resolve things for once and for all. His wife is madder than hell, but he will be the one that has to deal with her wrath, and that, my friends, just may be the best punishment of all. My parents are pissed at me for not pursuing the back child support, but from my perspective that was a waste of time. Spend a couple thousand dollars to obtain a judgment of about the same amount, that may or may not be collectible? Sounds like a poor risk to me. There is also a clause in the agreement requiring the child support to be re-calculated in August, so if he does by some small miracle get a teaching job, I can up the ante at that time and request that I receive payments via a wage order. If he doesn't get a teaching job, I doubt he will continue to work for a mere $12,900/year and suspect he will look for a new job that pays better. Again, I can always amend the child support if that happens. Because the kids are with me more than 65% of the time, his child support obligation is going to be huge if he starts earning $35,000/year again, and that will not make the wife happy, as she really enjoyed spending his alimony income and marital settlement last year, and I am sure she has missed the extra spending money. Now, even if he does start contributing to their household income, a significant portion of his pay is going to come back to me.

My attorney did not think I was getting a very good deal. My parents definitely think I made a bad deal, but they aren't the ones that have to deal with him. They aren't the ones that have to take my kids to counseling appointments. They aren't the ones who have to re-arrange their personal lives to accommodate time-sharing agreements. As for me, it's a good deal because it finally resolves everything. The money is not important--I don't need any help from him to take care of my kids. I am a successful career woman. I can (and do) provide everything they need. Whatever money I get from him will go directly into their college savings plans, with a few hundred being spent here and there for music lessons, activities, and new clothes. It's only money, and money is not nearly as important as reaching a cooperative agreement where no one is under attack anymore.

I'm sick of dealing with this, and I'm sick of thinking about it. I just wanted it over, and now it is. Yes, I forfeited my "right" to some additional money, but it wasn't money I had ever had, so it's not like I missed it. Money was what we were fighting over, and that just seemed to be a losing proposition all the way around. With nothing left to fight over, maybe, just maybe, we can try to start working together again for the sake of the kids. My ex expressed a willingness to negotiate the summer timesharing schedule to prevent the kids from being separated from me for 2 entire months with no visitation. He also expressed a willingness to work with me on trading a week here or there to accommodate my travel schedule. Of course, when the time comes, he may be completely uncooperative, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. I've already accepted what the timesharing plan says on paper, so if that's what I'm stuck with, so be it, but if there is any chance that he and I can actually communicate and work with one another again, I have to take it, for my kids' sake.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and be the bigger person. Take the high road, and do what's best for the two innocent victims of this whole thing--my son and daughter. I hope someday they will understand that I did this for them, despite the cost to me, because their comfort and happiness mattered far more to me than money. And when they look back at everything their father told them about the divorce, they will realize that his biggest concern has always been how much money he could get from me--not to help him provide things for them, but to provide things for himself and his new wife. And I hope they will also see that he chose a new wife over his relationship with them. I, on the other hand, will always choose them.