Change

First of all, I refuse to make this post about politics. I'm so sick of hearing the words "change" and "Washington, D.C." in the same sentence. It's an oxymoron.

I'm also one of those self-centered bloggers, so if I'm going to write about "change" it is going to have to have something to do with ME!

I have used my blogs to whine and moan about marriage, divorce, and men because those were whiny, moan-y posts I needed to make at the time.

Women are like that--we can't "move on" until we pontificate and express ourselves ad nauseum, preferably to an audience, which is why I blog because it is far better for me to foist myself on random internet strangers than my own friends and family, who I want to remain friendly with. I don't want them to get sick of my whining and moaning, so I reserve my crap for here. Sorry! (But not really...)

That being said, I am coming up on my 5th year of being divorced, my 12th year of being a parent, and my 40th year of being a human being, and it is time to make some changes. I have developed some bad habits lately, fueled by my relative wealth, boredom with my life, and bad ways of coping with stress. These things are not only unhealthy, but they actually end up contributing to my boredom with my life, and they aren't going to do much for my kids and my life expectancy, not to mention my relative wealth (which is being squandered by my impulsive ways).

To summarize, I drink too much cheap wine, eat too much fast food, and spend far too many hours with my butt parked on the couch. I don't spend as much "quality time" with my children as I should, and I don't pay any attention to my checking account balance (there always seems to be money there, so I just spend it haphazardly without thinking about it much). I've been in my new house since July, and there are still dozens of unpacked boxes in my garage and stacked randomly in my bedroom and living room. I'm no longer involved in a custody dispute, and it's high time I "let go" of certain obsessions involving ill-fated relationships with unattainable men, so there really is no excuse for me to be sitting on my couch moping around (or, for that matter, whining and moaning to the internet) anymore.

So, change is coming.

1. Exercise. I was told in no uncertain terms by my doctor that she fully expects me to have a heart attack any day now. Ordinarily, I would have protested, but now that I'm 40 and have ridiculously high blood pressure, I probably should take her somewhat seriously. I have all the high-risk factors for heart disease and breast cancer: too much alcohol, high-fat diet, sedentary lifestyle, and a family history for both. Shit. So, I'm going to get serious about what I eat and how I spend my non-working hours (when I'm working, I'm tied to a computer or a telephone, so I pretty much have to park my butt in a chair). I can exercise on weekends, and I can surely manage to fit something in at least 2 other days each week (especially since Grey's Anatomy has gone from bad to worse and sucks so bad I can't even watch it anymore).

2. Budget. One of the greatest things post-divorce was discovering that I didn't have to balance my checkbook anymore because I was the only person spending money out of the account for a change. Plus, I got two promotions and make more money than I ever could have imagined possible at this stage of my life. I also spend money like a teenager--I see shiny objects, and I buy them. I don't feel like cooking, so we eat out at restaurants. I find things for sale on the internet, and I buy those too. Never big ticket items, just lots of "little things" that add up to, well, ridiculous sums of money for things I didn't really need. That leaves me without money for the Big Ticket Items that I really want, like a new couch, a Pool Table, a trip to Yellowstone, and airplane tickets to visit my sister and a certain person who lives in the Pacific Northwest. It also leaves me without money for the Big Ticket Items I truly need, like new tires and a tune-up for my Camry, which has aged along with me. So, I'm going to get serious about tracking my expenditures and sticking to a budget, especially when it comes to groceries, which leads me to the next change...

3. Cooking. I cannot believe how much I squander on groceries! Half the food I buy, I have to throw out because it goes bad before I can use it. Back in my Starving College Student days, I used to plan every meal for the week before going to the grocery store. I would "estimate" the cost and go grocery shopping with a calculator in hand to make sure I didn't "over-spend." I only bought the items on my list. Nowadays, I just go, throw things in the cart, stock up on sale items, and before you know it, I've spent $150 and still have to make another trip to the grocery store later in the week to fix a meal I want to fix but don't have ingredients for. This is insanity! I love to cook, yet I complain that I make the same old stuff for dinner every week because I'm too uninspired and disorganized to plan ahead and be prepared to try something new. I have STACKS of recipes from magazines, yet I never make any of them. So, on the weekends, I will now be required to map out our meals for the week and make a grocery list with very specific items--no extras, no surprises. And I bet I will not only save money, but we'll eat out less and probably have more nutritious meals.

4. Get Organized. Weekdays are a little crazy in this house with school and the Job and what not, but weekends most certainly are NOT. There is plenty of time in those weekends to take care of errands, make lists, do chores, plan for the week ahead, etc. I've never been much of a goal-setter--I sort of drift through and somehow manage to have opportunities and accomplishments land in my lap, but I bought a "self-help" kind of book (yeah, I know--SHUT UP!) and one of the first things I was required to do was make a list of 25 things I wanted to be, do, or have. I made a great list. It was great because it was all just so EASY! Every last one of those things was something I could easily accomplish with a little thought and effort. I'm not one for challenges. I like easy.

Oh, don't get me wrong. My life will still be boring, but I won't be bored living it. That's the difference--I haven't been living. Instead I have just been half-heartedly going through the motions and not taking the time to wake up every morning with a mission to accomplish lots of boring little things. Consequently, I would go to bed each night feeling like I had wasted yet another day.

No more.

That being said, it's time to get off this computer and start my day. I've got things to do, lists to make, boxes to unpack, vegetables to buy, floors to mop, and a family to care for. The fog has lifted, and the day stretches before me, filled with options!

Scandalous

Hmmmm...this is a tough one for me to write about. I don't think of myself as a "scandalous" person (in the words of Eliza Doolittle, "I'm a good girl, I am!"). Everyone I know has stories to tell about the wacky, crazy things they did in college. I have none of those stories. I was always conscientious and cautious--a "rule-follower." I have never been a risk-taker, but in the past 6 years, I must admit I did 4 scandalous things. No, I will not tell you what those 4 things were. There is no one person in my life who knows about all of those 4 things. My family and closest friends may know about 1 or 2 of them, but nobody knows about all of them. I am good at keeping secrets and hiding certain details.

There is one person who knows about 3 of the 4, and that person, surprisingly (or maybe not) is my ex-husband. It is a bit disconcerting to realize that the one person who knows the most about me is the man I chose to divorce. I wonder sometimes if my desire to leave the marriage was borne out of my desire to leave my mistakes behind and start anew--become the person I wanted to be that I couldn't be if I stayed with him because he possessed too much knowledge of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I couldn't move forward when he held so much "ammunition" that he could use against me.

I break free, and I find myself a different person--a woman with secrets and things to hide, and hide them I do. It's nobody else's business, after all, what mistakes I have made in the past. What matters is the outcome--the lessons I have learned, the consequences I have faced.

While my "scandalous" choices are choices I am not proud of, I can honestly say that I don't really regret them. I suffered, other people suffered, but we all emerged from the ashes. I endured heartbreak, fear, guilt, and shame (largely self-inflicted), but I perservered, and I ultimately landed on my feet. Those "scandalous" choices also set certain things into motion that needed to happen. I learned some very valuable lessons. I did more damage to myself than I did to others. Those choices cost me more than they cost anyone else. I have served my sentence, done my pennance. So, I do not dwell on those scandalous things much, and I do not feel compelled to share them with anyone because that will not serve any useful purpose.

But, I can say with conviction that I hope the remainder of my life will be "scandal-free."