First there was the Dead Bird Incident. Then there was the discovery that my entire house smells like dog pee because, for some odd reason, I--the girl who loves MUTTS--wound up with not one, but TWO purebred dogs, both of them from breeds who are commonly described as "stubborn, willfull, highly energetic, and difficult to train."

Of course, my sister, my father, my in-laws, and my co-workers find this very amusing because that's EXACTLY how all of them would describe ME!

So, then there was the day I came home from work and found my cell phone, chewed up like a rawhide bone, lying in 3 bite-punctured, mangled pieces on my artificial grass.

Effing dogs!

Yes, it is my own fault. Molly (Prime Suspect #2) has confiscated my cell phone more than once, stealing it off the nightstand or end table and leaving it out in the back yard overnight a time or two, but she never CHEWED on it!

I usually keep my phone on the dining room table or kitchen counter--safely out of reach--but one night I had a call from a friend, so I sat down on the couch to chat, and stupidly set it down on the end table after the call ended. Buddy (Prime Suspect #1) probably grabbed it and followed in Molly's footsteps, only he, at 7 months old, is definitely in the "Chewing Phase" of puppyhood and is most likely the Guilty Party.

I am a cheapskate who has had the same cell phone service provider for nearly 6 years. Every time my contract comes up for renewal, they send me a postcard offering up a free phone. Sure, it's a basic phone, without any bells and whistles, but it's not like I use any of those fancy features anyway, so a basic phone is fine by me because I don't know how to do anything with the phone besides set the alarm, use the calculator, add contacts, and turn off the ringer, and that is PLENTY for me. However, I now have a couple of 'Tweens in my house who have discovered "texting," and my son has told me that his phone (the first free phone I received from my Company X years ago which doesn't even come with a camera--HORRORS!) is, and I quote, "An embarrassment to me and all of my friends!"

So, I was lured into the nearby Company X store, thinking my contract was close to renewal, as was the additional phone plan I had added for the kids, so surely they would have something to offer, preferably something with a QWERTY keyboard, so that when my son sent me text messages, it would take me less than 30 minutes to compose a response (I suck at text messaging because I refuse to abbreviate or intentionally misspell words).

Well, apparently, cell phones have become so "fancy" that they can't offer up free phones anymore, but they do offer up plenty of discounts and rebates for long-time customers (read: too lazy to switch) such as myself.

One hour and $300 later ($150 after mail-in rebates), I walk out of the store with not one new phone but TWO, both with QWERTY keyboards, GPS, unlimited Web/Text/email access, and I don't know what all else.

Yeah, I know. I'm a sucker.

I tried to tell the salesman I wouldn't USE all of those "features," and he assured me that once I knew I had them, I would use them. He also assured me that my kids most certainly WOULD use them, and would love me forever if I provided them!

Oh, yes, he was GOOD--no doubt the 20-something child of divorced parents who totally learned how to turn Parental Broken Home Guilt into Personal Gain! In fact, I'm SURE of it, because one of the first features he showed me after I started to balk was the "Locator Service" Company X provides that allows the parent to TRACK the whereabouts of her child's phone at all times...Mwa ha ha ha ha!

Because I am too lazy/busy to shop around for competitively-priced plans and because I don't have that many "friends" to put in "my circle" anyway, I have this plan with Company X that offers all the bells and whistles, which I have been paying for (and have NOT been utilizing) for months now. So, I might as well keep paying for it and start getting my money's worth, donchathink?

I even splurged and downloaded some ringtones: Hawaii Five-O Theme Song for people in my Contacts list (hee!), Mission Impossible Theme Song for unidentified callers (ha!), and AC/DC's Back in Black for certain people whose calls I actually look forward to (Hell Yeah)! My kid's phone has "Oh Yeah" by Yello ('80s Tune featured in the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off) for their phone.

My phone is pink. The kids' phone is black and flips shut. I made it very clear to them that they needed to think of that phone like a Laptop Computer (because it cost almost as much!) and treat it accordingly, which means keeping it out of the dogs' reach, and NOT leaving it in their pants pocket on Laundry Day (that caused the demise of the 2nd Free Phone Company X provided two years ago).

We took "Mug Shots" of the dogs and posted them on Facebook. Then, the kids texted each other, and I amused myself by reading through the exchange:

Daughter to Son: You are a turd

Son to Daughter: You have hairy arms

Daughter to Son: You stink

Son to Daughter: You have dreadlocks

Daughter to Son: Stop texting me!

Note that neither one of them substituted "U" for "You." They fear the wrath of their Mom--the Grammar/Spelling/Editing QUEEN--or perhaps they are just enjoying that QWERTY keyboard...

As for the dogs, well, I am trying to patiently endure and survive Buddy's "puppyhood." We had him neutered a couple of weeks ago, and I keep hoping that age and loss of testosterone will make him less annoying. I keep the doors shut to all the bedrooms whenever I leave the house, knowing that someday the carpet will be yanked up and replaced with wood floors, and until then, our house is a home--to messy kids, messy dogs, and a less than perfect (but pretty damn cool) Mom.