My son is a Freshman in High School this year, which, apparently, is a much bigger deal for ME than it is for him. I bug him DAILY about school, desperate for information about how he is faring in the scary world that IS high school. I worry about my son a bit because he is a keen observer of behavior and careful to "process" those observations in a way that ensures his own behavior flies "below the radar." He is careful NOT to draw attention to himself and to "stay out of trouble." He is sensitive when it comes to the volatile, neurotic interactions that define his peer group. I worry about him because I'm always afraid he will be "too nice" to navigate the minefields, and boys that are "too nice" often become targets.
But, I am learning that my son is actually far more astute and confident than I ever was at that age. He is still a "nice guy," but he is also equipped with certain advantages I never had. For starters, he is a BOY, and he is BIG for his age (5' 10" tall and 150 pounds at 14.) For boys, size matters, and we happen to live in a town where many boys in his peer group are little, wee persons, so JCH has an advantage by towering over most of his peers, plus, he also possesses a generally friendly, jovial disposition that makes him universally "likeable." He is also equipped with a quick wit that disarms potential attackers. He has a core group of friends that have been his friends since first grade, so even though he has no classes with them, they still meet up for lunch and spend countless hours connected through technology with their video games and social networking. These are GOOD KIDS, and they stick together. Also, they are BOYS, which means they are NOT subject to the "drama" girls have at this age. (PHEW!)
I have been trying to figure out where my son will "fit in" in the High School Clique Index. He is not an athlete, but he is also NOT a nerd because he has social skills. He is one of the millions caught "in the middle," flying under the radar. And I am okay with that as long as he is happy.
Homecoming Week took place a week ago. His FIRST HOMECOMING! I remember Homecoming in my hometown, and it was a BIG DEAL when I was his age. I kept bugging him about it--are you going to the game? What about the parade? Are your friends talking about going to the dance? And he looked at me like I was a complete idiot.
"Gawd, MOM, I don't care about the football team. All of the football players are assholes, and parades are stupid. YOU grew up in Los Alamos, 30 years ago, where nobody had anything better to do than go to a stupid dance."
Then Tuesday night rolls around, and he asks me to drive him to school at 7pm to attend the "Homecoming Bonfire." Wednesday night rolls around, and he "announces" that he is going to the Homecoming Dance on Saturday, and I need to take him shopping for suitable attire (semi-formal.) I, of course, ask "probing questions" and soon discover there is a GIRL involved, and Thursday night turns into a very dramatic shopping session, where my sweet, Momma's Boy Son suddenly becomes obstinate and REJECTS every suggestion I make as to appropriate pants/shirts/tie combinations. Much bickering ensues, and since there are several other teenagers and parents milling about JC Penney, we have an audience.
My son, for some strange reason, wanted to wear black pants and a black shirt.
I said, "Absolutely not! Only Maffia Dons wear black pants and black shirts, and you have a Baby Face and totally cannot pull off that 'Look'! At best, you will look like a Bouncer, or worse, a MIME!"
So we settled on a charcoal grey shirt or a deep teal shirt with grey or khaki pants. (JC Penney had a Buy One Get One Free sale going on.)
Lord have mercy. WHO KNEW it was such a problem to BUY PANTS? Pleats or plain fronts? Sleek, synthetic blends versus cotton? And don't get me started on dress socks (my son was perfectly happy to wear athletic socks, and when I tried to mock him by calling him "Cliff Claven," he looked at me with total confusion--"Cliff Claven? Who the hell is that?")
And then there was the "Choosing of the Tie"...
I LOVE selecting ties for men. Selecting ties for my dad, my ex-husband, and my brother-in-law are some of the happiest shopping excursions I have ever had. And today, men's ties are in their greatest glory. So many choices--so many colors--so many patterns! But, alas, all my son wanted was a boring old diagonal stripe or subtle geometric print in neutral colors. No paisleys, no fun colors, nothing that would distinguish him as a Sharp-Dressed Man.
Much bickering ensued. After my son retreated to the Dressing Room, not one, not two, but THREE males approached me asking for my opinion about tie selection, after over-hearing my "lecture" to my son about the importance of selecting a tie, and how it established Image and Style. All three of them left with gorgeous ties (that my son rejected!)
In the end, I allowed my son to make the final tie selection because I didn't want to be one of "those" mothers who is overbearing and smothering. (Yes, sadly, he picked a boring diagonal stripe in muted tones.) I did, however, insist on appropriate dress socks and since he didn't care about the socks, I managed to pick up a pair of classy, preppy argyle dress socks for him!
Now, about that girl...my son was very unclear on how she fit into the picture. Back in my day, Homecoming Dances were always Date dances, but nowadays, girls are far more liberated and since they universally love to get dressed up and hang out with their friends, they are not about to leave events like Homecoming up to Clueless 14-year-old boys. They buy their own tickets, and if no boy asks them to go, then they will just show up with their friends and have a good time without them. And, I think, this is EXACTLY the approach "the girl" my son is smitten with took. (He actually confided in me that he went with her to stand in line to purchase her ticket and didn't mention a word about going to the dance himself until days later--because he is a CLUELESS 14-year-old boy that can't get a HINT.)
At first, when I tried to ask "probing questions" my son was reticent about giving me ANY information--telling me he didn't trust me to not "freak out" and embarrass him. But, he really does LIKE this girl, and he couldn't hold it in and eventually agreed to provide me with her first name only. I promised him I wouldn't "make a big deal out of it," but that I hoped she was a nice girl that got good grades. And the whole exchange was kind of sweet--me prodding him for information, him objecting, me begging, him torturing me, me making promises not to "embarrass him," and then, him finally telling me her first name (and then, immediately after I returned after dropping him off for the dance, I went through his Middle School Yearbook and FOUND her! My son is such a dope! She is the ONLY girl in the entire 8th grade class last year named Sharon! LOL!)
So, here comes Saturday night, and I realized that my son is seriously in need of a shave (he has peach fuzz on his upper lip and weird curls growing along his jawline.) His Dad is nowhere to be found. So, here I am, trying to show my son how to shave with a REAL razor for the first time. He tells me he has no confidence in my directions, since I have only shaved my legs, not my FACE. I tell him, "well, I watched your Dad shave for 14 years. Make a face--like this...." and proceeded to make crazy faces in the mirror and walked him through the process. I had purchased cologne for him in small sizes for his Christmas Stocking last year, and he chose my favorite, the cologne my Mom bought for my Dad, Canoe--and it made my heart happy! (Secret Confession: I LOVE any man that smells good, so I think my son should smell good.)
And, then, I had to tie his tie! YIKES! I have only tied a tie about four times in my life, so I am no expert, but I was the ONLY expert present that night for my son, so I stepped up to the plate and shared that moment with him--his first "Date." Yes, it occurred to me that his father SHOULD HAVE been performing these "firsts," but we had left messages on his voice mail about the whole Homecoming thing and had heard NOTHING in response, so it was clearly going to be my responsibility to teach our son how to shave and tie a tie. And, so I did.
It took a lot of pleading, but I finally got my son to agree to let me take his picture before the dance. We started out with serious poses, but it didn't take long for my son, the Ham, to start mimicking fashion mags and striking all kinds of ridiculous poses that made me laugh so hard, I couldn't take the pictures! He is a truly, funny kid!
As it turns out, two of his Guy Friends were supposed to show up at the Homecoming Dance, but both of them chickened out at the last minute. JCH was the only one of their "group" to actually show up. The Girl was also supposed to show up with a "group" but all but one of her friends "backed out" at the last minute, too. So, my son, the Nice Guy, showed up and Saved the Day for her and her friend. He did not call me to pick him up until after midnight and tried to tell me the dance was "boring," but I knew better. Those two freshmen girls, attending their first High School dance, probably felt very intimidated by all of those "paired-off older" kids, and my son provided a much-needed buffer. And, to his credit, even though he found the whole experience to be "awkward and boring," he stayed because he understood that the event was NOT boring to those two girls, and he stayed to make it easier for them.
I am so proud and pleased to know that my son is a Nice Guy!
