Well, I had my long-awaited Court Hearing last week, and although we were only allotted 15 minutes before the Judge, we were there for 2 hours. Much to my surprise, a lot was accomplished. At first, I thought it was going to drag on for another 4 months. Because neither one of us would "budge" on the money issues, we were going to have to go to an evidentiary hearing, where my ex would proceed to try and show that I was delinquent with child support and alimony payments, and my attorney would proceed to prove that I wasn't. I was not happy about this, and not because I didn't think I could "win," but because I knew it meant another $3,000 to $5,000 in attorney fees and for what? The best I could possibly hope for was child support in arrears back to when this whole mess started and a motion was filed to modify it, which would be July 2006. My ex is grossly "underemployed" working as an "education aide" in the public schools making a whopping $12,900 a year. Yep. 43 years old, and that's the best he can do. Keep in mind that he left a job that paid over $35,000 to "go back to school." He still doesn't have his degree, but says he expects to receive a Bachelor's in University Studies (aka "Underwater Basket Weaving") in February once his "correspondence courses" come in. In order to become a teacher (his ultimate goal), he still has to complete an alternative licensure program and pass the State Teacher's Exam--an Exam I don't think he can pass. So, $12,900 is probably the best he will do. Even if the Judge imputed income (which wasn't likely since he was a "full-time student" from July 2006 forward), I'd have to spend thousands of dollars in attorney fees to obtain a judgment of--at best--$7,000 and potentially much less (like $2,000 which wouldn't even cover my attorney fees). Irregardless of the amount, my hopes of collecting on it would be slim to none. The court would most likely allow him to pay the "arrearages" in small monthly payments of no more than about $50. Whoop de freaking doo.
So, my ex asks if he can speak to me privately--without attorneys and without the wife present. He agrees not to pursue any more claims that I was delinquent and sign a child support worksheet figuring child support based on his paltry $12,900/year. In exchange, I have to agree not to pursue arrearages in child support for 2006 and 2007. He also has to agree to amend his 2006 income tax return, where he under-reported his alimony income in a lame attempt to get me audited by the IRS (it didn't work).
While this is a shitty deal for me, it would at least put an end to my attorney fees and resolve things for once and for all. His wife is madder than hell, but he will be the one that has to deal with her wrath, and that, my friends, just may be the best punishment of all. My parents are pissed at me for not pursuing the back child support, but from my perspective that was a waste of time. Spend a couple thousand dollars to obtain a judgment of about the same amount, that may or may not be collectible? Sounds like a poor risk to me. There is also a clause in the agreement requiring the child support to be re-calculated in August, so if he does by some small miracle get a teaching job, I can up the ante at that time and request that I receive payments via a wage order. If he doesn't get a teaching job, I doubt he will continue to work for a mere $12,900/year and suspect he will look for a new job that pays better. Again, I can always amend the child support if that happens. Because the kids are with me more than 65% of the time, his child support obligation is going to be huge if he starts earning $35,000/year again, and that will not make the wife happy, as she really enjoyed spending his alimony income and marital settlement last year, and I am sure she has missed the extra spending money. Now, even if he does start contributing to their household income, a significant portion of his pay is going to come back to me.
My attorney did not think I was getting a very good deal. My parents definitely think I made a bad deal, but they aren't the ones that have to deal with him. They aren't the ones that have to take my kids to counseling appointments. They aren't the ones who have to re-arrange their personal lives to accommodate time-sharing agreements. As for me, it's a good deal because it finally resolves everything. The money is not important--I don't need any help from him to take care of my kids. I am a successful career woman. I can (and do) provide everything they need. Whatever money I get from him will go directly into their college savings plans, with a few hundred being spent here and there for music lessons, activities, and new clothes. It's only money, and money is not nearly as important as reaching a cooperative agreement where no one is under attack anymore.
I'm sick of dealing with this, and I'm sick of thinking about it. I just wanted it over, and now it is. Yes, I forfeited my "right" to some additional money, but it wasn't money I had ever had, so it's not like I missed it. Money was what we were fighting over, and that just seemed to be a losing proposition all the way around. With nothing left to fight over, maybe, just maybe, we can try to start working together again for the sake of the kids. My ex expressed a willingness to negotiate the summer timesharing schedule to prevent the kids from being separated from me for 2 entire months with no visitation. He also expressed a willingness to work with me on trading a week here or there to accommodate my travel schedule. Of course, when the time comes, he may be completely uncooperative, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. I've already accepted what the timesharing plan says on paper, so if that's what I'm stuck with, so be it, but if there is any chance that he and I can actually communicate and work with one another again, I have to take it, for my kids' sake.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up and be the bigger person. Take the high road, and do what's best for the two innocent victims of this whole thing--my son and daughter. I hope someday they will understand that I did this for them, despite the cost to me, because their comfort and happiness mattered far more to me than money. And when they look back at everything their father told them about the divorce, they will realize that his biggest concern has always been how much money he could get from me--not to help him provide things for them, but to provide things for himself and his new wife. And I hope they will also see that he chose a new wife over his relationship with them. I, on the other hand, will always choose them.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
Every year I make New Year’s Resolutions. Every year I don’t accomplish much of what I set out to do, but I have had some success over the years, so I continue to go through this annual process. My resolutions for 2008 are particularly important because 2008 is the year in which I will turn (gasp) 40! I’m not upset about turning 40. I knew I was going to eventually be “in my ‘40s” someday-it’s not really something you can avoid. But, that makes this year my last year “in my ‘30s” and, for some reason, I am struggling with this.
I have enjoyed being in my ‘30s. Even though I had to deal with a lot of difficult things during these years, it was still a defining decade of my life. It was my first decade of motherhood. It was the decade my career really took off. It was the decade of my divorce and independence. It was the decade of financial maturity, gains, and losses. And now there is only 1 year left (actually, only 9 months because I hit the Big Four-Oh in early September)! I want to close out this most significant of decades in a good way, and that means I have to accomplish certain things that have gone unfinished or incomplete thus far.
So, here goes:
Get Healthy
Notice I titled this one “Get Healthy” rather than “Lose Weight”-that’s significant because it speaks to my motivation. How I look to someone else (i.e., a man) is no longer important (because there is no man). Instead, my motivation is to improve my health by improving my choices and adjusting my lifestyle. Ultimately, I would like to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I’ll be happy if I just lose the 30 pounds I picked up since the divorce. I have never been an active person-I don’t play sports, I don’t like to exercise, and most of my activities involve sitting at a desk (work, writing) or on a couch (reading). I have always had good health and never worried much about it, but now that I will be entering my 40s, I need to be more conscientious. Heart disease runs in my father’s family, breast cancer and osteoporosis in my mother’s. My blood pressure is high. My excess weight gain and sedentary lifestyle are putting me at risk of developing diabetes. I eat a diet high in carbs and fat. Because I am busy and don’t plan ahead, I wind up eating fast food far too often. I am not much for diets, because I enjoy food too much, but I can certainly control portion sizes and stop skipping breakfast. I can also pack a healthy lunch for myself every day with a little planning. I’m going to cut back on red meat and add more fish to my diet, as well as whole grains. I’m also going to drink more water. My sister got me 2 exercise DVDs for Christmas, so I’m going to exercise at home. Because of the kids, I really can’t join a gym or walk in the mornings because I can’t leave them at home alone. Exercising in my living room is my only option, but that’s certainly do-able, and I’d actually prefer exercising in privacy rather than going to a gym (I HATE gyms)! Now that I’m sleeping better at night, I have no excuse for not getting up an hour earlier to exercise and pack myself a lunch in the mornings. I have got to be more active and make exercise part of my daily routine. I also need to set a good example for the kids, and that means we need to be more active on the weekends-that means family bike rides, tennis, hikes, etc. We live in a place with the most perfect climate in the world. Our weather is mild and tolerable almost year-round. We need to take advantage of our opportunities to be outdoors, which leads to my next resolution.
Get Out More
I spend too much time shut up in my house. So, I have joined a local hiking club. I can’t really take my kids off on a hike if I don’t know what I am doing myself, or where I am going. While the kids can’t come with me on these hiking excursions, I’ll at least get to try out the hike with experienced hikers and then I’ll be able to take the kids at another time. The group is quite diverse, and it will be a good way to learn things I need to learn and meet some new people at the same time. I’ve already signed up for one hike in January and will do another one in February. Additionally, the group is going camping at the Grand Canyon in April, and I may participate in that one as well. I have always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, but the kids aren’t old enough to manage that much hiking yet. I’m also going to go fishing more this year and maybe take Fly Fishing lessons. Another outlet: the “Women’s Wilderness Institute” which offers week-long backpacking adventures in the Southwest. This will be a great way for me to become knowledgeable and acquire some “survival skills” so I will feel more confident taking the kids on camping/hiking trips on my own instead of just with my son’s Scout group.
More Activities for the Kids
I haven’t had a lot of disposable income these last few years, and my kids have suffered. They both deserve to have music lessons and recreational activities, and I plan on getting them those this year, even if it means taking time off of work. I’ve signed my daughter up for American Girl activities at our public library (free), and I’m going to sign them both up for tennis lessons through Parks and Recreation this Spring. My son wants to play football, so I’ll pursue that for him as well. I have to stop using work and my “single mom” status as an excuse. I can arrange to make these things happen for them, especially since I have my parents here, and they have offered to help with the transportation to and from these activities. I try to do this all on my own, so I won’t depend on them too much, but I can’t be in two places at one time, so it’s time to take them up on their offer.
Buy a House
I will definitely accomplish this before my birthday. I can’t wait to move! And I will find a house that has everything I want—2 car garage, landscaped backyard, big kitchen, lots of light, and an open floor plan. I have to buckle down and get some major expenses out of the way, but once those are behind me, I’ll be ready to begin seriously looking at houses. In the meantime, I will start packing and clearing out “junk” to prepare for the move.
Build My Savings
Now that the divorce is behind me, it’s time to start building my Savings. I have dedicated a portion of my paycheck to be directly deposited into my Savings Account each pay period. That account will be my “emergency fund” as well as a resource for buying new furniture (I desperately need new sofas for my living room) and paying for a decent vacation every couple of years. I’m also going to bump up contributions to my retirement account. If I do start getting child support from the ex, I’m going to take half of whatever I get and put it into the kids’ College Savings accounts. The other half will be put into a separate savings account which will pay for their activities and clothes. I might even let the kids manage that money themselves.
Maximize My Weekend Time
I have two weekends a month to myself in addition to two entire months during the summer, and I need to take advantage of that time to do things I can’t ordinarily do with kids in tow. This is my time to tackle large projects (like getting my scrapbooks up-to-date, re-finishing my desk, organizing my recipe clippings, cleaning out the garage,etc.) and it is also my time to go fishing, take a hike, etc. This year I want to be able to say I completed or accomplished something significant every weekend that I have to myself. I’m actually going to keep a journal to identify what I did. On the weekends that I have my kids, I want to do the same—be able to say that we did something as a family, whether it be play tennis, have friends over to spend the night, or spend a weekend camping. All of us work hard during the week—me at the office, the kids at school. Weekends should be significant for all of us.
Read the Bible with the Kids
My church, along with several other area churches, is participating in a project to get members to read through the New Testament in 3 months. They handed out CDs in addition to a small, paperback New Testament with reading assignments. In 15-20 minutes a day, you can read through the entire New Testament in just a couple of months. I think this is a perfect opportunity for me and my kids. My faith has always been a private, solitary thing for me, since I came from a family of non-believers and my ex never went to church with me. But, how can I expect my kids to believe in anything if I don’t share what I believe with them? I bought a book of Family Devotions a couple of years ago, and we would do them a couple of times a week, but I thought some of them were kind of “hokey” and forced and weren’t realistic examples for my kids, and we eventually stopped doing them. But, when we were doing them, the kids enjoyed looking up the verses and reading out loud from the Bible. This project will be the perfect starting point for us.
My “theme” this year is to do things that make me feel good about myself. So often I beat myself up because I’m not happy with how I look or what I have failed to do. I’ve spent far too much time dwelling on the negatives. This year I’m going to focus on all of the things that I have been able to accomplish. To make it easier, I am keeping track, so whenever I start criticizing myself, I can pull out my journals and see what I have to be proud of. I bought a few pretty, blank journals at the bookstore and a fountain pen. I carry them with me in my briefcase, along with my Day Planner, so they are always with me. These journals will mostly be a collection of lists, but they will be the kind of lists I want to keep and reflect upon (especially when I can cross things off of them!)
I have enjoyed being in my ‘30s. Even though I had to deal with a lot of difficult things during these years, it was still a defining decade of my life. It was my first decade of motherhood. It was the decade my career really took off. It was the decade of my divorce and independence. It was the decade of financial maturity, gains, and losses. And now there is only 1 year left (actually, only 9 months because I hit the Big Four-Oh in early September)! I want to close out this most significant of decades in a good way, and that means I have to accomplish certain things that have gone unfinished or incomplete thus far.
So, here goes:
Get Healthy
Notice I titled this one “Get Healthy” rather than “Lose Weight”-that’s significant because it speaks to my motivation. How I look to someone else (i.e., a man) is no longer important (because there is no man). Instead, my motivation is to improve my health by improving my choices and adjusting my lifestyle. Ultimately, I would like to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I’ll be happy if I just lose the 30 pounds I picked up since the divorce. I have never been an active person-I don’t play sports, I don’t like to exercise, and most of my activities involve sitting at a desk (work, writing) or on a couch (reading). I have always had good health and never worried much about it, but now that I will be entering my 40s, I need to be more conscientious. Heart disease runs in my father’s family, breast cancer and osteoporosis in my mother’s. My blood pressure is high. My excess weight gain and sedentary lifestyle are putting me at risk of developing diabetes. I eat a diet high in carbs and fat. Because I am busy and don’t plan ahead, I wind up eating fast food far too often. I am not much for diets, because I enjoy food too much, but I can certainly control portion sizes and stop skipping breakfast. I can also pack a healthy lunch for myself every day with a little planning. I’m going to cut back on red meat and add more fish to my diet, as well as whole grains. I’m also going to drink more water. My sister got me 2 exercise DVDs for Christmas, so I’m going to exercise at home. Because of the kids, I really can’t join a gym or walk in the mornings because I can’t leave them at home alone. Exercising in my living room is my only option, but that’s certainly do-able, and I’d actually prefer exercising in privacy rather than going to a gym (I HATE gyms)! Now that I’m sleeping better at night, I have no excuse for not getting up an hour earlier to exercise and pack myself a lunch in the mornings. I have got to be more active and make exercise part of my daily routine. I also need to set a good example for the kids, and that means we need to be more active on the weekends-that means family bike rides, tennis, hikes, etc. We live in a place with the most perfect climate in the world. Our weather is mild and tolerable almost year-round. We need to take advantage of our opportunities to be outdoors, which leads to my next resolution.
Get Out More
I spend too much time shut up in my house. So, I have joined a local hiking club. I can’t really take my kids off on a hike if I don’t know what I am doing myself, or where I am going. While the kids can’t come with me on these hiking excursions, I’ll at least get to try out the hike with experienced hikers and then I’ll be able to take the kids at another time. The group is quite diverse, and it will be a good way to learn things I need to learn and meet some new people at the same time. I’ve already signed up for one hike in January and will do another one in February. Additionally, the group is going camping at the Grand Canyon in April, and I may participate in that one as well. I have always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, but the kids aren’t old enough to manage that much hiking yet. I’m also going to go fishing more this year and maybe take Fly Fishing lessons. Another outlet: the “Women’s Wilderness Institute” which offers week-long backpacking adventures in the Southwest. This will be a great way for me to become knowledgeable and acquire some “survival skills” so I will feel more confident taking the kids on camping/hiking trips on my own instead of just with my son’s Scout group.
More Activities for the Kids
I haven’t had a lot of disposable income these last few years, and my kids have suffered. They both deserve to have music lessons and recreational activities, and I plan on getting them those this year, even if it means taking time off of work. I’ve signed my daughter up for American Girl activities at our public library (free), and I’m going to sign them both up for tennis lessons through Parks and Recreation this Spring. My son wants to play football, so I’ll pursue that for him as well. I have to stop using work and my “single mom” status as an excuse. I can arrange to make these things happen for them, especially since I have my parents here, and they have offered to help with the transportation to and from these activities. I try to do this all on my own, so I won’t depend on them too much, but I can’t be in two places at one time, so it’s time to take them up on their offer.
Buy a House
I will definitely accomplish this before my birthday. I can’t wait to move! And I will find a house that has everything I want—2 car garage, landscaped backyard, big kitchen, lots of light, and an open floor plan. I have to buckle down and get some major expenses out of the way, but once those are behind me, I’ll be ready to begin seriously looking at houses. In the meantime, I will start packing and clearing out “junk” to prepare for the move.
Build My Savings
Now that the divorce is behind me, it’s time to start building my Savings. I have dedicated a portion of my paycheck to be directly deposited into my Savings Account each pay period. That account will be my “emergency fund” as well as a resource for buying new furniture (I desperately need new sofas for my living room) and paying for a decent vacation every couple of years. I’m also going to bump up contributions to my retirement account. If I do start getting child support from the ex, I’m going to take half of whatever I get and put it into the kids’ College Savings accounts. The other half will be put into a separate savings account which will pay for their activities and clothes. I might even let the kids manage that money themselves.
Maximize My Weekend Time
I have two weekends a month to myself in addition to two entire months during the summer, and I need to take advantage of that time to do things I can’t ordinarily do with kids in tow. This is my time to tackle large projects (like getting my scrapbooks up-to-date, re-finishing my desk, organizing my recipe clippings, cleaning out the garage,etc.) and it is also my time to go fishing, take a hike, etc. This year I want to be able to say I completed or accomplished something significant every weekend that I have to myself. I’m actually going to keep a journal to identify what I did. On the weekends that I have my kids, I want to do the same—be able to say that we did something as a family, whether it be play tennis, have friends over to spend the night, or spend a weekend camping. All of us work hard during the week—me at the office, the kids at school. Weekends should be significant for all of us.
Read the Bible with the Kids
My church, along with several other area churches, is participating in a project to get members to read through the New Testament in 3 months. They handed out CDs in addition to a small, paperback New Testament with reading assignments. In 15-20 minutes a day, you can read through the entire New Testament in just a couple of months. I think this is a perfect opportunity for me and my kids. My faith has always been a private, solitary thing for me, since I came from a family of non-believers and my ex never went to church with me. But, how can I expect my kids to believe in anything if I don’t share what I believe with them? I bought a book of Family Devotions a couple of years ago, and we would do them a couple of times a week, but I thought some of them were kind of “hokey” and forced and weren’t realistic examples for my kids, and we eventually stopped doing them. But, when we were doing them, the kids enjoyed looking up the verses and reading out loud from the Bible. This project will be the perfect starting point for us.
My “theme” this year is to do things that make me feel good about myself. So often I beat myself up because I’m not happy with how I look or what I have failed to do. I’ve spent far too much time dwelling on the negatives. This year I’m going to focus on all of the things that I have been able to accomplish. To make it easier, I am keeping track, so whenever I start criticizing myself, I can pull out my journals and see what I have to be proud of. I bought a few pretty, blank journals at the bookstore and a fountain pen. I carry them with me in my briefcase, along with my Day Planner, so they are always with me. These journals will mostly be a collection of lists, but they will be the kind of lists I want to keep and reflect upon (especially when I can cross things off of them!)
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