My house is a mess. I admit it. I am a horrible Housekeeper. It falls very LOW on my list of priorities. Sure, I can manage the Basics--weekly vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, cleaning sinks and countertops, washing dishes, etc. It's the "other stuff" that is problematic.
Just a week ago, I was home alone (kids were at their dad's house for the weekend) and realized my ceiling fans and air vents were coated with dust in a very bad way. I also noticed that there were not one, not two, not five, but 14 burnt out light bulbs in my house. What is it about my house that all of the light bulbs in my light fixtures all burn out at the same time?
These particular chores required me to drag a ladder from my garage into my house. Because I am a "short person," I can't change out the light bulbs in my ceiling fans like a normal person by standing on a dining room chair. This particular chore requires me to bring in a ladder. And the added CHORE of dragging in a ladder was enough to make me procrastinate. (Yes, I am "that lazy.")
I rationalize my inability to tackle chores on the weekends by telling myself that because I work SO HARD during the week, weekends are my "down time," and, therefore, I should reward myself by squandering them with relaxing, indulgent activities like sleeping late, reading books, shopping, watching movies, and taking bubble baths.
So, to "motivate" me for tackling some chores, I tuned into a satellite TV station that was having a "John Wayne Weekend." I made a deal with myself that I could watch my beloved John Wayne Movies, but ONLY if I took advantage of each and every commercial break to change out lightbulbs or vacuum an air vent. This approach proved to be wildly successful.
When I was a little girl, I absolutely ADORED John Wayne. When we first got Cable TV (when I was in 5th grade) there was a channel that showed nothing but Westerns, and I became a Huge Fan! John Wayne was my first "Celebrity Crush." When he died, my mother very carefully broke the news to me after school one day, and I shut myself in my room and sobbed for hours, missing dinner, until I finally exhausted myself and fell asleep. When I got to see The Shootist, his last film, I sobbed through the whole thing, even though I saw it months after his death. Yeah, I know, what a little Drama Queen! I had posters and photos of John Wayne in my bedroom and in my HIGH SCHOOL locker (along with photos of Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable.) I was the only girl in the school with pictures of Old, Dead Men in her locker! Umm...yeah, I was a Weird Kid! Thank goodness I grew up in a Town FULL of Weird Kids!
Watching John Wayne movies for the first time in decades made me laugh. The fight scenes were so ridiculously fake, and the "Indians" were so "body-painted" that I couldn't help but picture a bunch of "Hollywood Types" in the 1960/70s sitting around a table saying, "Let's hire some Eye-talians and spray paint them to look like Injuns" (too ignorant to realize that "Injuns" and "Hispanics" really aren't that dark.)
I thought I might question why I was so enamored with John Wayne, but watching those movies only reinforced my love for the characters he portrayed. John Wayne could spot bullshit from a mile away. John Wayne was always willing to step up and take risks for the greater good. John Wayne had great respect for the Apaches/Commanches. (Don't believe me? Watch Hondo!) He ONLY killed in self-defense, or in the defense of others. He also didn't put up with smart-assed, arrogant Women. He liked them, was attracted to them, respected them even, but he did not tolerate Game Playing, and he could see right through silly facades and was quick to put them in their place, without violence or insult. His approach was, "if you aren't going to respect me, then I'm not going to respect you." He never lost his temper, raised his voice, or raised his hand. When they irritated him, he IGNORED them until they stopped behaving like primadonnas.
M reminded me a lot of John Wayne. I found some Tin Signs on the internet that looked like Sepia Prints of John Wayne Movie Stills, emblazoned with his most famous quotes, like, "Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk much," and "A man's got to do what a man's got to do," and "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." I bought 2 sets--1 for my Living Room, and 1 for M, for his birthday last year. The last time I visited him at his house, I noticed that he had hung them on the wall to his entryway, but they were on the wall that faced his kitchen. You had to be INSIDE his house to see them.
M and I fought the most when I was being an annoying, haughty, pain-in-the-ass. M would always take the "John Wayne" approach and refuse to deal with me when I was being disrespectful, immature, and manipulative. M was not perfect, but he was consistent and "Old School" and very "John Wayne-like."
Oh, how I wish our paths had crossed at different times in our lives!
I miss him so very, very much.
I am not inclined to dwell in the past. I try to live my life always looking FORWARD. But, when it comes to M, who, sadly, is now part of my Past, I have so many regrets. I keep telling myself to shove them away. It's too late--there is nothing I can do to change anything--but they keep brimming up to the surface. I dream about him ALL THE TIME. I try to shove these thoughts away because I KNOW this is what happens when someone dies. The people they leave behind get to eulogize them forever, glossing over every negative memory and only remembering the good. We get to put them up on pedestals and make them into Heroes.
I KNOW that is what I am doing with M.
I'm converting M into my personal John Wayne/Ideal Man and, let's face it, there will never be ANYONE who can challenge that ideal. No man can compete with a Hero on a Pedestal. And perhaps that is for the best. M was the one person I listened to in my life that told me I was "special," and that I "deserved better." What he really meant to say was that HE thought I was "special" and HE was what I deserved, and I was too stupid to figure it out because I was too insecure and too wounded to connect the dots and believe that he actually meant what he said.
I blew my chance. I am far too flawed to believe there could be another.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Tales from the Home Front
The agency I work for graciously provides "Continuing Professional Education" for its employees each year. Half of our employees attend one week, the other half attend the second week. I ordinarily attend BOTH weeks because I am usually an instructor for at least one class, if not two. This year, however, I put my foot down and did not volunteer to instruct because the training conference was going to be in Philadelphia, and I really, really wanted to bring my kids with me. They were old enough to stay in our Hotel Room during the day while I was busy with classes, and we could stay through the weekend and do touristy things, and what better city to do touristy things than Philadelphia! So historic! So educational!
Well, I wound up instructing again, but for one week only. I was well aware from our Yellowstone trip, that the 3 of us can only stand about 7 days of "non-stop togetherness." We flew out early one Monday morning, and returned the following Monday. It was...interesting!
My kids were really great about meeting my co-workers. I gave them quite the Lecture in the airport about hand shaking and eye contact. I made them "practice" and chastised them for "shaking hands like a girl." Consequently, both of them have adopted steely-gazed, bone-crushing handshakes. Most Excellent!
I taught a class entitled, "Intermediate Excel" with a concentration on creating and customizing charts and graphs. I showed up to the classroom early on Tuesday, so I could load the "class exercises" onto the 25 Loaner Laptops my agency rented, so class participants could have the opportunity for "hands-on" practice--which is the ONLY way to teach a class involving computer software. Unfortunately, I realized that my agency is still using Microsoft Office 2003, and the Loaner Laptops all had Microsoft Office 2007, which is very, VERY different. All of the printed Training Materials were designed using screen shots of Excel 2003. I frantically tried to learn Excel 2007 in 30 minutes, to no avail. Consequently, the first class I taught, sucked. My co-instructor and I spent our lunch hour re-vamping our entire approach. Showing people how to do stuff on Excel 2007 was kind of pointless, since they would be going back to their offices and using Excel 2003. Quite a conundrum, but we worked our way through it, and actually got "rave reviews" from the Class Evaluations we looked at the end of the day.
After my work-day was over, I dragged my kids to not one, but TWO Group Dinners with my co-workers (both of them held in Sports Bars--gah! Obviously, I will never be in the running for any "Mother of the Year" awards!) I was very proud of their "meet and greet" skills when I introduced them to about two dozen co-workers. They were very patient and well-behaved (albeit bored) the entire time. Perhaps the stern whisper in their ears beforehand of "do NOT embarrass me or I will never let you have access to the XBox or the internet ever again" had something to do with it...
And then Friday came around, and my work obligations were over! It was our time to be Tourists! We walked and walked and WALKED! We visited Museum after Museum. It was HOT, and we were sweaty, and our feet hurt, and I was my usual incompetent self when it came to reading a map, so we got lost and walked more than we should have. Also, imagine the "shock value" for my sheltered tribe that has never left the suburbs except to go to Yellowstone. Downtown Philadelphia was quite a shock! As I walked with them to a CVS to buy some snacks one morning we passed not one, but two Homeless people, one of them with make-up smeared all over her face and obviously crazy, and the other beating the crap out of a pay phone, yelling obscenities. As I hurried them past, noticing the shocked looks on my kids' faces, I said, cheerily, "Welcome to the Big City!" and my son said, with great seriousness, "I don't like it here." His Facebook posts throughout the week were most amusing. He is a young man of few words, with great focus:
1) Philadelphia smells like cigarettes.
2) Gawd--there is nothing to watch on TV in this hotel!
3) Dear lawd--there is no place in this city to get Dr. Pepper!
4) YESSSSSSSSSSS! I found some Dr. Pepper in this city!
5) OMG! Again with the no Dr. Pepper!
By Sunday night we were all sick of each other. I suspected that if I even dared to mention visiting another museum/historic site Monday morning before heading to the airport to catch our late afternoon flight, they might have conspired to smother me with a pillow while I slept. So instead I told them they could "sleep late" and we would just relax and pack up and then head for the airport.
We never did manage to get tickets to actually go INSIDE Independence Hall, but we did "walk around it." We also never bothered with the Liberty Bell. Perhaps that means our journey was misspent, but I think not. We had a limited amount of time, and I didn't want to spend it standing in line or trying to force my petulant, reluctant children to get out of bed early in the morning. We spent a good amount of time in the Visitor's Center which had great displays full of information about both landmarks, and since my kids had already covered some Revolutionary War history in school, they were able to follow along and (hopefully) appreciate and understand that we were walking along the same land that was the Birthplace of Democracy. They are still too young to understand the magnitude of that, but they are astute enough to recognize that Philadelphia is VERY different from their Hometown. I didn't think that actually standing in the same room where the Declaration of Independence was signed was as important as reading about the events leading up to that Declaration and understanding what life in Colonial America was truly like. As we walked from Independence Hall to Betsy Ross's House to Christ Church, we talked about the "Founding Fathers" and WHY people came to America in the first place. We walked across sidewalks naming the signers of the Declaration and their occupations. Business Owners, Tradesmen, and Farmers. Ordinary, hard-working people who just wanted to make a living, support their families, and NOT have to turn over 50% (or more) of their income to someone who was already WEALTHY and never worked a day in his life because he was the Son of a King.
And that was when I shut up with the history lessons because it dawned on me that when my children enter the workforce, they will likely face a 50% Tax Rate because their wages will have to subsidize Health Care for All, Bad Mortgages, National Debt, and America's "obligation" to be Caretaker of the World when it comes to Natural Disasters and Dictatorships.
At least it means they will never leave me--they will never be able to afford to.
Well, I wound up instructing again, but for one week only. I was well aware from our Yellowstone trip, that the 3 of us can only stand about 7 days of "non-stop togetherness." We flew out early one Monday morning, and returned the following Monday. It was...interesting!
My kids were really great about meeting my co-workers. I gave them quite the Lecture in the airport about hand shaking and eye contact. I made them "practice" and chastised them for "shaking hands like a girl." Consequently, both of them have adopted steely-gazed, bone-crushing handshakes. Most Excellent!
I taught a class entitled, "Intermediate Excel" with a concentration on creating and customizing charts and graphs. I showed up to the classroom early on Tuesday, so I could load the "class exercises" onto the 25 Loaner Laptops my agency rented, so class participants could have the opportunity for "hands-on" practice--which is the ONLY way to teach a class involving computer software. Unfortunately, I realized that my agency is still using Microsoft Office 2003, and the Loaner Laptops all had Microsoft Office 2007, which is very, VERY different. All of the printed Training Materials were designed using screen shots of Excel 2003. I frantically tried to learn Excel 2007 in 30 minutes, to no avail. Consequently, the first class I taught, sucked. My co-instructor and I spent our lunch hour re-vamping our entire approach. Showing people how to do stuff on Excel 2007 was kind of pointless, since they would be going back to their offices and using Excel 2003. Quite a conundrum, but we worked our way through it, and actually got "rave reviews" from the Class Evaluations we looked at the end of the day.
After my work-day was over, I dragged my kids to not one, but TWO Group Dinners with my co-workers (both of them held in Sports Bars--gah! Obviously, I will never be in the running for any "Mother of the Year" awards!) I was very proud of their "meet and greet" skills when I introduced them to about two dozen co-workers. They were very patient and well-behaved (albeit bored) the entire time. Perhaps the stern whisper in their ears beforehand of "do NOT embarrass me or I will never let you have access to the XBox or the internet ever again" had something to do with it...
And then Friday came around, and my work obligations were over! It was our time to be Tourists! We walked and walked and WALKED! We visited Museum after Museum. It was HOT, and we were sweaty, and our feet hurt, and I was my usual incompetent self when it came to reading a map, so we got lost and walked more than we should have. Also, imagine the "shock value" for my sheltered tribe that has never left the suburbs except to go to Yellowstone. Downtown Philadelphia was quite a shock! As I walked with them to a CVS to buy some snacks one morning we passed not one, but two Homeless people, one of them with make-up smeared all over her face and obviously crazy, and the other beating the crap out of a pay phone, yelling obscenities. As I hurried them past, noticing the shocked looks on my kids' faces, I said, cheerily, "Welcome to the Big City!" and my son said, with great seriousness, "I don't like it here." His Facebook posts throughout the week were most amusing. He is a young man of few words, with great focus:
1) Philadelphia smells like cigarettes.
2) Gawd--there is nothing to watch on TV in this hotel!
3) Dear lawd--there is no place in this city to get Dr. Pepper!
4) YESSSSSSSSSSS! I found some Dr. Pepper in this city!
5) OMG! Again with the no Dr. Pepper!
By Sunday night we were all sick of each other. I suspected that if I even dared to mention visiting another museum/historic site Monday morning before heading to the airport to catch our late afternoon flight, they might have conspired to smother me with a pillow while I slept. So instead I told them they could "sleep late" and we would just relax and pack up and then head for the airport.
We never did manage to get tickets to actually go INSIDE Independence Hall, but we did "walk around it." We also never bothered with the Liberty Bell. Perhaps that means our journey was misspent, but I think not. We had a limited amount of time, and I didn't want to spend it standing in line or trying to force my petulant, reluctant children to get out of bed early in the morning. We spent a good amount of time in the Visitor's Center which had great displays full of information about both landmarks, and since my kids had already covered some Revolutionary War history in school, they were able to follow along and (hopefully) appreciate and understand that we were walking along the same land that was the Birthplace of Democracy. They are still too young to understand the magnitude of that, but they are astute enough to recognize that Philadelphia is VERY different from their Hometown. I didn't think that actually standing in the same room where the Declaration of Independence was signed was as important as reading about the events leading up to that Declaration and understanding what life in Colonial America was truly like. As we walked from Independence Hall to Betsy Ross's House to Christ Church, we talked about the "Founding Fathers" and WHY people came to America in the first place. We walked across sidewalks naming the signers of the Declaration and their occupations. Business Owners, Tradesmen, and Farmers. Ordinary, hard-working people who just wanted to make a living, support their families, and NOT have to turn over 50% (or more) of their income to someone who was already WEALTHY and never worked a day in his life because he was the Son of a King.
And that was when I shut up with the history lessons because it dawned on me that when my children enter the workforce, they will likely face a 50% Tax Rate because their wages will have to subsidize Health Care for All, Bad Mortgages, National Debt, and America's "obligation" to be Caretaker of the World when it comes to Natural Disasters and Dictatorships.
At least it means they will never leave me--they will never be able to afford to.
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