For Richer for Poorer

Hmmm...considering that getting divorced cost me tens of thousands of dollars (in fact, it is STILL costing me to repay a loan against my retirement account for the money I had to give away thanks to community property laws and my own stupidity), I should probably stay away from making this post about marriage vows.

Like most Americans, I have never known what it is like to be truly "poor," and for that I am grateful and appreciative. I know what I have. However, I did get married young, before I finished college, and my then-husband was working dead end jobs in retail, just above minimum wage. I took a "Government Job" after graduating, and my starting salary was $21,000 per year. That was in 1991. We lived paycheck to paycheck because we had student loans, credit card bills, and a car payment. As soon as we would start to get ahead, my then-husband, the ex, would "quit" his job over some minor transgression, and spend a month or two out of work, before finding something new. I remember going to the grocery store, calculator in hand, keeping a sub total of every dollar spent to make sure I didn't exceed what was left in our bank account. I used coupons religiously. But, I didn't mind because there was always enough for the essentials, and my salary increased every year between Cost of Living adjustments, promotions, Performance Awards, etc.

Two children came into the picture, and my then-husband took care of them during the days while I worked. My job was now a career, and since I had the most earning potential, it made sense for me to pack up my breast pump and march off to work each day while he stayed home with the babies. (Minimum wage employment wouldn't cover the cost of full-time childcare for two kids anyway.) Even though my salary had more than doubled by this time, we still lived paycheck-to-paycheck, but the essentials were covered.

"The essentials," though, were far greater than those we had initially. As your income increases, so do your expenses because the more you make, the more you spend. When we were first married, rent for our 1-bedroom apartment was only $360 a month. Now we had a $1,200 mortgage payment and utility bills that exceeded $200 a month, plus the cost of diapers and baby food.

My ex had gone back to work when the kids were in pre-school, but then was laid off. He spent nearly two years out of work, not even attempting to look for a job. The marriage was strained. He resented my job, I resented him for not doing anything about his own situation. For richer for poorer. But in what context?

The divorce put us into a financial tailspin, but I had to get out when I did for reasons of personal safety. It took 4 years for me to "recover" financially from divorce. I had to let the house go because I couldn't pay both alimony and child support and sustain the mortgage. We both returned to "renter" status in smaller spaces. Payments on the loan against my retirement will still cost me $700 a month for another 3 years, so a big chunk of my earnings is not accessible to me. I have a bigger house now (with an even larger mortgage payment), but I also have a much bigger paycheck. My kids are happy and safe and well-adjusted. My ex was able to finish school and get a teaching job and buy a small house of his own, taking advantage of home builders in financial crisis that were willing to do anything to unload new construction. We are both in "better places" emotionally and financially.

I still feel like I live paycheck-to-paycheck, and wish I had that additional $700/month to spend on vacations and furniture, a new computer, college savings plans for my kids. But, I also know I am fortunate to have a secure job and a good salary, and I know that I have it so much better than so many.

I've looked over my bank statements for the last several months and noticed there is a lot of "waste" in my expenditures--eating out at restaurants when I'm too tired or uninspired to cook. Mid-week trips to the grocery store to buy snacks and convenience foods. Impulse purchases to take advantage of "unbeatable" sale prices on clothes I didn't really need. These are all things I was not able to do years and years ago.

I have much to be grateful for, so I am making a conscious effort this year to go back to my old grocery shopping patterns: planning meals in advance, sticking to my list, and shopping with coupons and a calculator in hand. The money I save on groceries and non-essentials this year (I'm estimating it to be about $150 a month, if I'm diligent), I want to set aside for others--donations to local food banks, charitable giving to organizations that assist victims of domestic violence or disabled veterans returning from the War, and my church that provides food, clothing, and educational materials to an impoverished community in Mexico that cares for orphaned/abandoned children (most of them girls).

Sure, I could go shoe-shopping with that money, but I feel guilty doing so, under the circumstances. I will still buy shoes and clothes for me and my kids--my contribution to "stimulating the economy"--but I will buy at the same level I have in the past. I am finally at a place in my life where there is money between paychecks, and I can afford to (and should) give some of it away.

As for a Family Vacation this year? We're going camping. I spent a good $500 on camping equipment last year, so now we're going to go out and get our money's worth out of all of that gear!