Loss

For the last 6 years (ever since my divorce), I have had this Guy Friend (who I shall refer to as "M"). He is a co-worker who I was never particularly friendly with until I got divorced. In fact, for the first 10 years I avoided him because I thought he was an asshole, and I found him to be very intimidating. But, 10 years later, I found myself contemplating divorce, and in need of an attorney, and he was the only person I knew that was divorced, so I decided to call him to see if he could recommend an attorney, and, well, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

M turned out to be my "Go To" person in the divorce. He gave me advice, words of wisdom, strategies. He listened. He checked up on me. He was "My Rock." Of course, he was also a bit of a pain in the arse, mostly because his insistence on being BRUTALLY honest with me tended to piss me off, and I had this need to be all mouthy and bitchy and otherwise "empowered," which pissed HIM off, so our "friendship" was always interrupted with weeks/months of "not speaking to one another." But, eventually one of us would relent (usually him) and make a phone call, and then, all of a sudden, we were friends again.

So, now that my divorce war has resolved itself, lately our conversations have been about how M is struggling with issues involving his daughter and his Evil Ex-Wife. I am one of the few people besides his boss and his parents who know what has been going on. He loves his daughter fiercely, and it was absolutely breaking his heart to be distanced from her.

I was aware that he was taking medication for high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and then he developed a bleeding ulcer--so bad he was hospitalized for about a week. He took a month off from work to try and get his stress levels down, but work was the least of his stressors.

He died sometime yesterday morning. His neighbor found him in his front yard. They think he may have suffered a heart attack. He was 47 years old and leaves behind a 13-year-old son, 17-year-old daughter, and many brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, two devastated parents, dozens of friends and co-workers, and, well, me. I'm not sure where I rank in that list, but I was more than a co-worker and more than a friend. We were approaching something more significant than that, but we were taking it slow, because he needed to resolve the issues with his daughter and his ex-wife before he could move forward, and I was patiently trying to respect his "boundaries."

And now he's gone--and his daughter never got to reconcile with her father, and his witch of an ex-wife will get everything he had worked to save for his children (because his divorce decreee required him to keep HER as the beneficiary on all of his retirement and life insurance accounts while the kids were minors.)

And I feel cut off at the knees because he has been such a huge part of my life for the last 6 years. I can't believe he's gone. My heart is acheing right now--for him, for his kids, for his family, and, of course, for myself because I just lost someone who was really one-of-a-kind. I owe so much to him. I never would have gotten through the last 6 years without him. I honestly believed that a year from now, this "Tug-O-War" we have been waging for so long would have finally come full circle, and we would have called a truce. I would be taking care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of, and he would have accepted it because he would finally allow himself to deserve it.

He was my "John Wayne," and I never got the chance to show him that.

So, now I'm angry. I'm angry at his ex-wife for being such a manipulative bitch, and I'm angry at his daughter for not knowing how much she was hurting him and not being strong enough to stand up to her mother, and I'm angry at M for not taking better care of himself and not listening to his doctors and not allowing me close enough to help him. I'm angry at myself for not being more assertive and pro-active. And I'm angry at God for taking away someone who meant so much to so many people who still need him here.