Forward

I have spent my entire life living FORWARD. I have virtually no memories of my childhood. I was so caught up with wanting to be Older, I paid little attention to the day-to-day events of life. I remember a few snapshots, here and there, but what I remember most, particularly as an adolescent, was itching to be OLDER and getting away from the helpless, awkward, uncertainty of childhood/adolescence and finally having control over my destiny. When I was in Junior High, I couldn't wait to be in High School. When I was in High School, I couldn't wait to be in College. When I was in College, I couldn't wait to be out in the Workforce. When I had babies, I couldn't wait for them to be OLDER. I am quite certain that the people I encountered during those phases of my life would describe me as being "aloof" and "superior" and "condescending" and otherwise "unlikeable."

Looking back I realize that this perspective benefitted me in many ways. For starters, I was so focused on the future, that it kept me from doing stupid things in my youth because I was always hyper-aware of potential consequences. I have no funny stories to tell of my youthful "hijinks" because there were none. Do I have regrets? Certainly. Did I make mistakes? Of course. But if I were to describe the stories behind those regrets and mistakes to someone else, that someone else would laugh at me and wonder what the hell was wrong with me to think that story was worth re-telling.

Consequently, I had a very boring life. My kids are teenagers now, and they hear their dad and his brothers tell stories about crazy stunts they pulled as kids. They ask me if I have any similar stories to tell, and, well, I've got nothing, and they say I'm "boring." And I respond with, "Yes, because I also was not STUPID." I am a total Buzzkill (but, also, a Buzzkill with a full scholarship to college, and a recession-proof, good-paying Government Job with Benefits, that I love.) I actually take pride in the fact that I have no stories to tell. Does this make me an uptight, humorless person? Absolutely not. I was surrounded by peers who were perfectly willing to engage in dangerous behaviors, make bad choices, and I was quite content to stand by and observe and allow them to serve as a "warning to others," while I stayed on the sidelines, safely ensconced with my virtues intact and my "To Do List" in hand. I can re-tell THEIR stories with great humor and wit, forever thankful that I am not the main character--only the narrator.

An additional benefit from being so "forward-thinking" is the fact that I could cope with "Drama" and potential hardships very sanely. My mind-set has always been: "This is temporary. A year from now, things will be better." This was a very good attitude to have when married and my husband spent most of our married life quitting jobs and spending weeks and months at a time unemployed. It was also a good attitude to have when going through divorce and dealing with the sluggish Family Court system. When I was prepping for a Job Interview several months ago, I was reviewing "Popular Interview Questions." One of them was "The position you are applying for is very challenging and involves short deadlines and high-profile projects. How would you handle the additional stress of the position?" TRUTH: I handle the stress by neglecting my children and working more hours to meet deadlines during the week, and drinking a lot of cheap wine and sleeping until noon on the weekends, but, of course, that would not be an appropriate response. The real response is that I handle Stress by adopting an approach from the Scarlett O'Hara Guide to Life: "I'll think about it tomorrow--after all, tomorrow is another day." I am just a cog in the wheel of the bureaucracy that IS Federal Government. I do not perform brain surgery. I edit memos and procedural manuals. If I don't meet a deadline, nobody DIES. So, yeah, whatever it was that you wanted? It can WAIT until tomorrow.

So, I am still "forward-thinking," but I recognize that I have finally reached that elusive point in my life where I have all of those things my Younger Me was chasing. I have a House in a good neighborhood that I love. I make good money--enough that there is actually more money at the end of the month than bills. I have complete and total control over the money I make. I wake up every day excited and happy to go to work. My kids feed themselves, tie their own shoes and wipe their own butts. They entertain me daily with engaging conversations at the dinner table.

And, suddenly, for the first time ever, I really don't want to keep thinking forward. It is finally time for me to grasp, enjoy, embrace, and remember EVERY moment I have right now because Life is PERFECT. If I look forward now, I have to worry about my health declining, the Federal Deficit, my kids leaving home and trying to find jobs. YUCK! But, right now? My bills are paid, there is money in my Savings Account, my kids are here most of the time and doing well in school, making friends, not being bullied and not being bullies, and I still love my job. I live in an obscure, podunk state with no floods, no earthquakes, no tornadoes, and no hurricanes. (Most of America, and certainly no Terrorists, even know we're a state.) I feel safe, secure, and reasonably-content. The only time I worry, is when I find myself looking forward because NOW the future involves things like my kids experimenting with drugs or driving cars, and me facing Health Issues like high blood pressure and heart disease and breast cancer (I'm in the "High Risk" category for all 3.)

So, I think it is now time for me to STOP thinking forward and, instead, time for me to Be Present.