Money Pit

One day last fall, while pulling weeds in my sideyard, I was approached by a Man with a Gold Tooth, offering to take care of my weeds and remove the dead tree from my backyard, for a low, low price. He also pruned all of my trees, and removed the "burial mounds" that existed as "landscaping elements" when I moved in. Living where I do, it requires a great deal of effort to grow anything in the poor quality dirt we have here. Consequently, most people fill their yards with rock and concrete, and landscaping generally involves decorating with, you guessed it, more rocks--different sizes, different colors, but, still rocks. There is a growing trend towards artificial grass to add a little green. My backyard has all of those elements, including the artifical grass, but it is an ugly backyard, without much to look at, so I committed my income tax refund (and then some) to pay the man with the gold tooth to haul out a good amount of rock, some ugly bushes, the dead apple tree, and clear space for a future garden.

"Before" picture of one side of my backyard and my crappy patio furniture, taken 3 years ago when I first moved in. (Note the creepy raised "mounds" of rock--the first time I saw them, I whispered to my Realtor, "Do you think there are BODIES buried under there?")


Well, the Man with the Gold Tooth got more than just my income tax refund. He also got most of my savings account and at least one entire paycheck. Before I knew it, he had talked me into putting in a pond, complete with 3 large koi and 5 large goldfish that he provided "for free" because another one of his customers wanted to get rid of them because he was getting too old to take care of his pond and the fish.

"After" picture, taken in April, just after the pond was "finished."



I had to hire a licensed electrician to add a dedicated electrical line to run the pump for the waterfall/filter and the lights, because, yes, my pond also has interior and exterior lighting.

Pond at night.

Here is a picture of some of my "decorative" fish. There are 3 speckled koi, all of them at least a foot long and retail for around $100.

I also have 5 goldfish--1 orange, 1 orange and white with fantails, 1 white, and 2 black. Yes, I know, sounds ridiculous, but some goldfish are black or white instead of orange. My plain, black goldfish arrived with a bonus baby black goldfish in tow. Junior has been elusive and hard to spot, probably because he hides in the shallow areas of the pond, in between the rocks, because the koi could swallow him whole. I am happy to report that he has tripled in size since acquisition.

Here is another picture of the fish, their first day in the pond, before the water had become murky and pond-like.

Well, if I wanted to sit out on my back patio and enjoy the new "look" to my backyard, I also needed better patio furniture, right? Yes, of course! So, I spent another $1,000 on a new patio set, which arrived in pieces, and my son helped me to assemble. There were 2 washers and 1 bolt remaining after assembly, but, so far, nothing has collapsed out from under us yet, so I think it's okay.

You would think that would be the end of the story, but, no. I own a terrier and terriers are not only curious, but incredibly focused--to the point of being borderline crazy. Molly was fascinated by the fish, and would spend all day and all night in the yard "stalking" and terrorizing the fish. She would jump around from boulder to boulder, and inevitably wind up falling into the pond 2 or 3 times a day. I had to "banish" her from the backyard for about two weeks, only allowing her out in the backyard on a LEASH, for crying out loud. Fortunately, after about two weeks, the novelty wore off, and her obsession for stalking the fish waned, although she still spends a half hour or so every day stalking them, but at least she no longer falls in because I put potted plants up around the perimeter of the pond to minimize the number of "perches" she could access.

Molly, stalking the fish

Another $200 for pots and plants to create obstacles for the terrier.

The statue to the right of the waterfall is my grandmother's St. Francis statue that I "inherited." He is a little worse for wear after spending four decades in a blazing hot Phoenix, AZ backyard. He has been beheaded more than once (knocked over by wind, grandchildren, or exuberant Labrador or Golden Retrievers owned by those grandchildren), but we just keep resurrecting him by glueing his head back on. After I put St. Francis out there, my daughter asked, "Why is there a creepy priest lurking over our fish, when we aren't even Catholic?" Well, that's a long, complicated story for another day, and, wait a minute, just HOW and WHEN did you become so suspicious and cynical of "creepy priests" when we aren't even Catholic?

I thought the pond project was complete and my dealings with the Man with the Gold Tooth could finally come to an end, but, no, he keeps coming around to check on the pond. I started not answering the door, but then he would just go around to my side gate and go check on the pond himself, rapping on my back door and peering in through the living room windows on that side of the house. It's like having a "stalker"!

Having a pond that is pretty much in full sun for most of the day is problematic because of the algae that builds up. To keep the algae under control, you have to either drain and clean the pond every 3 months, or provide shade, either through aquatic plants, trees, or some other structure. So, I wound up hiring the Man with the Gold Tooth to build a shade structure over the pond. I decided to make it look "southwestern." Don't let the "rustic" appearance fool you--it was ridiculously expensive.

I have more aquatic plants in the pond now, including water lilies that attract dragon flies and other bugs for the fish to feed on. The fish are thriving--the koi have grown another 2-3 inches, and I noticed last weekend that there were at least a dozen tiny new baby fish in the pond!

I have not yet managed to get rid of the Man with the Gold Tooth, but I'm working on it. He is a horrible little man--his speech is filled with profanities and atrocious grammar, and he can't do math or provide an estimate that even closely resembles the actual cost of a project. Every time I hire him, it winds up costing me 3 times what he originally told me it would cost. The "final" price is reduced if I pay "cash," which means he is trying to avoid paying taxes on his income. I swear he shows up every time he runs out of money proposing additional projects for me. I think I may have to claim him and his 3 little kids as dependents on my tax return because I'm fairly certain I am providing over half their support--that's how much money I have given him this year.

I had Big Plans for a Garden this year, but I ran out of money, thanks to the Pond/Money Pit. But, there is always next year! I will hire someone (NOT the Man with the Gold Tooth!) to fence off my garden plot to keep the dogs OUT of the garden, since they not only love to dig and poop in the garden, but they also like to eat my tomatoes and herbs. I'm going to plant corn, tomatoes, garlic, green chile, jalapenos, zucchini, beans, and sugarbaby watermelons. I have a smaller garden plot on the other side of the yard that will be reserved for herbs. I have a few nice planters for flowers, and I want to add a lilac bush or two over by the shed, as they were my mother's favorite.

We have had a particularly hot, dry, windy, miserable summer this year, so we haven't spent too much time out on the patio, but I expect that will change once it cools down a little. I'm considering putting up some misters around the covered patio and planting a tree or two along the back wall. My backyard faces west, so it is brutally hot in the summer and could use some "evaporative cooling" and shade. A fire pit might also be a nice addition for the cooler months, but I don't want to get too carried away!

While my backyard projects seem pretty extensive, that's only the tip of the iceberg. The inside of my house requires even more work, from general clean-up (I never did finish unpacking from the move...3 years ago!) to flooring, paint, furniture, re-finishing kitchen cabinets, and a serious purging of the contents of my garage.

Ah, the joys of home ownership!