Hmmmm...this is a tough one for me to write about. I don't think of myself as a "scandalous" person (in the words of Eliza Doolittle, "I'm a good girl, I am!"). Everyone I know has stories to tell about the wacky, crazy things they did in college. I have none of those stories. I was always conscientious and cautious--a "rule-follower." I have never been a risk-taker, but in the past 6 years, I must admit I did 4 scandalous things. No, I will not tell you what those 4 things were. There is no one person in my life who knows about all of those 4 things. My family and closest friends may know about 1 or 2 of them, but nobody knows about all of them. I am good at keeping secrets and hiding certain details.
There is one person who knows about 3 of the 4, and that person, surprisingly (or maybe not) is my ex-husband. It is a bit disconcerting to realize that the one person who knows the most about me is the man I chose to divorce. I wonder sometimes if my desire to leave the marriage was borne out of my desire to leave my mistakes behind and start anew--become the person I wanted to be that I couldn't be if I stayed with him because he possessed too much knowledge of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I couldn't move forward when he held so much "ammunition" that he could use against me.
I break free, and I find myself a different person--a woman with secrets and things to hide, and hide them I do. It's nobody else's business, after all, what mistakes I have made in the past. What matters is the outcome--the lessons I have learned, the consequences I have faced.
While my "scandalous" choices are choices I am not proud of, I can honestly say that I don't really regret them. I suffered, other people suffered, but we all emerged from the ashes. I endured heartbreak, fear, guilt, and shame (largely self-inflicted), but I perservered, and I ultimately landed on my feet. Those "scandalous" choices also set certain things into motion that needed to happen. I learned some very valuable lessons. I did more damage to myself than I did to others. Those choices cost me more than they cost anyone else. I have served my sentence, done my pennance. So, I do not dwell on those scandalous things much, and I do not feel compelled to share them with anyone because that will not serve any useful purpose.
But, I can say with conviction that I hope the remainder of my life will be "scandal-free."
5 comments:
it sounds like you realize that sometimes our actions are actually our teachers. you wouldn't be who you are today had you not taught yourself those lessons...
It is kind of scary to know that an X-husband is running around out there with your deepest darkest secrets. I have one of those! BJ
Somebody today told me that sometimes you make decision that cause all kinds of tumult and scandal, and what you get from all of it is a feeling owning your decisions. Sometimes you do what you have to do, and the wake you create is largely something manufactured in the minds of others.
Hey, you're human, and honest! Just like most of us!
I like what you did with this prompt--instead of divulging the scandalous secrets, you talk about moving past them. Very well-written entry!
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